"Its my pain," he said.  

I could feel the intensity of it when he said it.  A friendship of many years had come to an end, and he was mourning the loss.  I didn't have the right words in the moment for my friend, but I could relate.  I wasn't mourning the loss of a friendship, but I knew the weakness he felt in his soul.

My divorce left me feeling gutted and inadequate.  I woke up every day for several years feeling completely terrible, dreading the day ahead.  The loss of close relationships can bring us into a state of absolute weakness.

Paul talked about weakness in his letters to the Corinthians (2 Cor. 12).  Perhaps you've heard this sermon before followed by the tagline: In our weakness, God's power is made perfect.  But, I don't think I ever truly understood what weakness means.  I thought it meant God would help me with my fear of public speaking, every time I needed to speak in public.  Perhaps He would help me choose healthy food when I felt like downing a bag of Cheetos.

While God will do those things (I'm not sure how he feels about Cheetos), I don't think enough emphasis is given to the true meaning of weakness.  I'm talking about when you don't know how you're going to get out of bed in the morning.  What about when you receive the phone call that says a loved one (or you) has cancer?  How about the absolute knockout punch of the death of someone close to you?

Things happen in life that are so difficult, we wonder how we'll have the strength to stand let alone breathe.  This, dear readers, is true weakness.  

How on earth could Paul want to brag about such circumstances?  I wonder what would happen if I bragged about one of my weak days.  It would look something like...Well, today I didn't want to get out of bed because I woke up angry over my divorce and my son's cancer.  I spent the next few hours thinking about everyone who had ever said anything to me that wasn't nice and determined they needed some form of revenge.  Then I ate a box of chocolates.  Later that afternoon, due to my excellent mood, I was rude to my kids and ran two red lights.  Then I swore at the people who honked at me for doing so.  God, be glorified!

But, Paul was a radical thinker.  He basically said he will boast in anything that brings him closer to Christ.  He surmised his weakness was a backdrop for God's strength. Weaknesses reveal our need for God.  Strengths reflect a reliance upon ourselves.  So, he chose to brag about his weaknesses instead of his strengths.  Weakness is our biggest strength if it leads us towards God.  Paul's motto was if God can be greater in my life, then bring on the weakness.  

Do you know what else is interesting?  Faith is strengthened during weakness.  There is something that happens when we can no longer depend on ourselves and we must rest in the power of God.  Faith is what carries us through uncertain times, and like any muscle, it is strengthened when it is used.  At a time when we are feeling most inadequate, our faith is actually growing.

We were on vacation last week in Florida.  I don't know if I've mentioned this to you, but I am afraid of sharks.  Really, I'm afraid of all large things in the ocean, but sharks are high on the list.  We went snorkeling in an area where there had been shark sightings.  Now, mind you, I am in an area that I can still stand up in the water and not be over my head.  But, I had this irrational fear that a Great White was going to appear at any minute and swallow me whole.

The first time I went into the water, I didn't stay in for very long.  I just couldn't get comfortable.  But, the next day, I realized my fears were irrational and I stayed in the water for a while longer, and I swam out a bit further.  I was gaining faith there was no Great White around the corner (and if there was, I reasoned, what a way to go!).  

By the last day I was there, I was snorkeling all of the place.  Yes, I was still afraid of a mega-shark coming for me, but I had gained trust that God was going to protect me from any ferocious ocean creatures.  

Weakness does the same thing with our faith.  At first, it is incredibly difficult to have any faith at all.  But, once we trust God in a few weak moments, our faith begins to grow.  Over time, trust in God becomes automatic, and our faith gives us more and more courage to trust God to take us further and further.  Over time, we've learned how to rest in the power of God and our faith is thriving.  

This is why Paul bragged about his weaknesses.  His weaknesses grew his faith and brought him closer to Christ.  Bragging about his strengths brought glory to him, but bragging about his weaknesses allowed the message of God to shine through his life.  

If you think about it, the same goes for us.  Its OK to share our weaknesses with others.  In fact, sharing our own weaknesses against God's strengths leads to a moment of showcasing God's glory.  Paul would rather showcase God's glory rather than his own, and if we had the same mindset, we would view our weaknesses differently.

Instead of shame, we'd simply be honest about weaknesses.  Instead of guilt, we'd rejoice in the glory of God to bring us through our problems that were too much for us.  Instead of self hatred, we'd have gratitude for a Savior that not only saves us from hell, but saves us from ourselves.  This certainly seems like a better way to live to me.

Sign me up.

The house is quiet.

We are going on vacation next week, so all morning everyone has been packing and chatting with a busy excitement.  My kids finished packing and they're off running errands.  Without the noise of the excitement and chatter, I can barely stay awake.  I'm exhausted.  I actually feel too tired to go on vacation. 

I think all Moms with kids at home, single or not, are exhausted a majority of the time.  Adrenaline carries us more often than it should.  When Jesus says come to Me and I will give you rest, I think for us Moms, He means literal rest.  We are an exhausted bunch, with bad hair and bags under our eyes.  

There's a lot of things in this world that offer rest.  One could get a massage, a pedicure, or even a day at the spa.  A nice trip to a favorite restaurant means a night off from cooking.  Soft sleep masks help with sleep.  Shopping for new clothes can be a fun hobby.  Vacations can be helpful.

While there's nothing wrong with any of those things, my problem is that I'm not just physically exhausted.  Physical exhaustion has an easy fix, a great night of sleep.  No, my exhaustion comes from anxiety, managing competing priorities all day long, worry about everything under the sun, and feeling overwhelmed because there's always more to do in a day than I can accomplish.  No amount of polish on my toenails is going to fix my mind's attempts to keep up with the demands of this world.

If Jesus promises us true rest, how do we take Him up on His offer?

Stay Close to Jesus.  Your body needs sleep to recover.  Your mind needs rest, not manipulation, and the opportunity to peacefully wind down.  Jesus allows for the mind to rest along with the body.  I promise you that whatever you are worried about, it does not justify your level of stress.  Do not waste your peace on this.  Stay close to Jesus and stay in His ways and He will see you through this.  In all things, He goes before you.  Bring your decisions in line with your beliefs, and allow God to take the wheel.

Remember, Jesus is working all situations.  Simply do as He asks of you and do not worry about anyone else.  No one else has solutions for you because no one else understands you like He does.  No one else loves you like He does.  Follow Him and His ways so your problems don't take you under.  

Take a Sabbath.  Taking a true, proper sabbath requires time.  That's something most of us don't feel we have.  But, a true sabbath is an entire day.  It is a day of rest and worship.  It is a day of listening to God's truths rather than the noise of the world.  It is rest for your mind, not just your body.  It is a time to soften your heart so you can hear His voice.

God doesn't need for us to take a sabbath.  A sabbath is for us.  I personally struggle to take an entire day for a sabbath.  Inevitably there's at least one place I need to be every day of the week.  But, then God reminds me that I control my schedule, not the other way around.  I pay the price when I don't schedule my time with Him, and my levels of anxiety are significantly increased when I don't spend time listening to what God has to say.

Ponder on God's Love.  Whatever you are facing, you are not alone.  His love for you is unlike anything else you've ever experienced.  You don't have to impress God.  There's no image required (in fact, He really doesn't like images, He likes YOU).  One thing I love to do is think about what He did specifically to show His love today.  

Did you see something that was an odd coincidence?  It wasn't.

I was traveling in Chicago once, and I was struggling with feeling bad about myself.  Thoughts of self hatred were bouncing around in my head.  You're not a good mother.  The divorce wouldn't have happened if you were better.  You're a fraud, a fake.  You know, all the fun stuff the devil likes to tell us Moms, especially single Moms.

I was walking around downtown, and crossing the street.  Directly in front of me was a sign was on the lightpost.  It said, "Jesus loves you".  I looked at more closely, thinking about how much I needed to hear that message in that moment.  In small print at the bottom, it said "Yes I am talking to you."  It was just a random piece of paper taped to a lamp post.

But, it wasn't random.  It wasn't a coincidence.  It was God reminding me that His love is greater than all of those terrible things in my mind.  His love is so thoughtful, so sensitive, that He orchestrated a piece of paper to be taped on post because He knew I would be crossing the street on a particular day, and that I would need to see it.

What kind of God is this?  What kind of love is this?    

He goes out of His way to show us that He loves us.  Our minds are constantly searching for this love, and we have to take the time to ponder on it when we see it.  It calms our heart, makes us smile, and reminds us that we're never alone.  

In the end, He's what we're looking for.  He's the calm in the storm. 

Jesus, and only Jesus, provides true rest.  

I sat at the table with three other couples.  

It was a work event, an evening at a steak restaurant to thank us for long hours on a difficult project.  It was a lovely evening, with good food and good company.  I am usually fine attending events solo, but for some reason, this one bothered me.

Perhaps it was because I met with another set of friends the previous evening.  They introduced me to a few of their friends.  All were couples.  Several seemed to have no interest in talking to a single mom with two kids.  I might have read the room wrong, but again, it bothered me.

I used to fit into these groups, because I fit the mold.  I was married with two kids.  From the outside, we were a perfect little family of four.  But now, I don't fit in anymore.  I'm still me, but the perception of me has changed.  

But, let's face it.  Does anyone ever really "fit in" to the crowd?  Isn't there something different about all of us?  Aren't we all dealing with something?  It may not be divorce, but everyone has their own stuff in life to deal with.

Trying to fit in with the same old crowd when life has changed can be really difficult.  Its like trying to find your place all over again.  The truth is, our place is with God and nowhere else.  We can search for acceptance and comfort within our circles here, but true acceptance comes from God. Aren't we glad that we never have to find our place with Jesus?  Our place is secure no matter our circumstances, no matter what's happened.  He is loyal, faithful, and true to us through eternity.

If you're like me, and you are sometimes finding your place after a major life change, here's a few thins to keep in mind:

Your value didn't change with your divorce.  You have probably changed.  Your friends might have changed.  Your financial situation might have changed.  Even your home address might have changed.  But your value in the eyes of your savior did not change.  Not even a little bit.  Your value was placed by the One who created you, not by the one you married.  Remember, you were made in God's image, according to His likeness. 

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. (Luke 12:6-7)

Our Savior didn't go to the cross for someone whose value changes with their circumstances.  He already knew your circumstances and still believed you were worth dying for.  No higher value can be ascribed.

You don't have to fit in with the old crowd anymore.  You're stronger, wiser, and more experienced than you used to be.  Some of your friendships will last the test of time, and some will fade away.  Remember, the constant that must remain in your life is God.  Everything else through divorce gets thrown into a state of flux.  If friends aren't being kind, or they're not interested in a friendship anymore, perhaps you're being led in another direction. True friends remain through turbulent times, but others may need to go on their way.  With God guiding you, you will be able to discern the difference.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.  (Prov 17:17)

I can remember meeting up with an old friend after we hadn't seen each other in about five years.  We enjoyed our time together in our prior lives, but since I'd seen her, I'd gotten married and had two children.  As we reunited over lunch, I learned she was in a similar place as she was five years ago.  She was still in her same job and her life was mostly the same, and she was actually somewhat angry and bitter about it.

There isn't anything wrong with that, but about halfway through our lunch, we ran out of things to talk about.  She really wasn't interested in hearing about my kids, and I didn't have a lot in common with her professionally anymore, because I'd changed jobs. I had also begun a much deeper relationship with Christ, and she wasn't on that road.  Our friendship had run its course, and it slowly faded away with a lack of communication.  

I'm still grateful for her friendship, but it wasn't one that was going to be with me for life.  I had changed, and so had she.  Our friendship was based on our circumstances at the time, not necessarily a true connection that bonds friends for life.

When no one else sees you hurting, God does.  Perhaps you were at a similar event as me, and you smiled through the evening while you were hurting inside.  God saw that.  Maybe you went through your first Christmas by yourself.  God was watching.  I can remember the first time I had the courage to go to church as a single Mom, not knowing what to expect.  God was there.

You are never going through this alone.  Dealing with a new normal is not easy, and the road through change is often filled with pain.  Our God is ever-present, and He sees the courage it takes to face a new life.  He doesn't take it lightly, and He is proud of his courageous daughters who stay true to Him while facing some of life's biggest challenges.

These are not small things.  These things hurt, and anytime we are hurting, we have our Savior's attention.  He doesn't leave his daughters alone through these battles.  The Bible even tells us, God is with us, and we will not fall.  

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. (Psalm 46:1-5)

At the end of it all, the only thing that matters is Jesus.  

We always fit in with Him.  

I opened the bag with the gift she gave me.  It was a shirt, from Ukraine, and it had been embroidered up and down the sleeves.  The shirt was a beautiful shade of hunter green (my favorite) and the embroidery was done in gold thread.  It was, well, perfect for me.  She knows me well.

Yet, we still don't speak the same language. 

Crazy how that doesn't matter.

Sometimes it feels as if I've awaken from the nightmare of my divorce to this beautiful new life God created for me.  I am so grateful.  I love Him so much.  He cares so much about me, enough to craft a new life for me that I am in love with.  How can God love me so much?  How can he be so good to me, in spite of all my faults?

Funny how the story unfolded, now that I'm looking back on it.  I'm sure my family thought I was losing my mind when I was fresh off of a divorce, and God asked me to sponsor a family from Ukraine (then another one).  I brought a family into my house that I'd never met in person.  But, here we all are, united as family in a way only God could have created.  They're living in their own places now, but we are as close as ever.

I was thinking back to nearly a year and a half ago, when we picked up this sweet, exhausted family from the airport.  They had been held in customs for hours.  We loaded them into our church van and drove them to our home in the middle of the night.  How terrifying it must have been for them, as they had their two young sons with them.  How crazy it was for all of us.

Now, the bombings and attacks on Ukraine continue.  I am not the greatest at always knowing what to say.  Sometimes I just ask God to help me push through it.  A few months ago, one of their family members died in the attacks.  How are there words for this, especially when you don't speak the same language?  There's not, so I just show up with flowers in-hand and try to convey they are loved.

Life goes on, the news continues to roll in, the politicians argue, and all I can think about is how much the world needs Jesus.  There are real people on the other side of these tragedies, and God asks us to see them.  To love them.  To do what we can, given our abilities.  Sadly, so often, love gets lost in opinions.

A few weeks ago, my sponsored family gave me a pin with an American flag and a Ukrainian flag intertwined.  It was a heartfelt gesture depicting their journey.  I was so humbled by it.  They have no idea they helped me as much as I helped them.

But, isn't that how God works?  He brings two families together from across the globe who need each other.  He creates victory out of the impossible, and in the midst of it, we have the privilege of watching Him work.

How great is our God.

I've been reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and I came across something that really hit home with me this week.  I'm adjusting the wording a bit from his letters (written from the POV of our enemy), but here's the gist of the idea pulled from several different paragraphs:

The Present is the point at which time touches eternity...in the present is the voice of the conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure.  The business of our enemy is to get us away from the Present.  Even the Past is of limited value, because we can be grateful for the past.  The best place for our enemy to keep our minds is the Future, because here he can keep us in fear.  Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead.

Isn't it true that anytime we're in fear, we're thinking of the future?  Perhaps one of our greatest weapons against fear is to remain in the present moment.  In today's world that seems more difficult than ever to do.  But, God already tells us what's going to happen in the future.  He says our bodies will be transformed from perishable to imperishable, we will go from dishonor to glory, from weakness to power, and from natural to spiritual.  (1 Corinthians 15)

Knowing this, we can tell ourselves confidently we have nothing to fear or worry about.   Everything else really is small stuff, even though it doesn't seem like it.  We can live in the moment, enjoying God's current mercies that are bestowed upon us lavishly. 

This concept is hard to live out, but it is possible.  Divorce is such a trigger for fear, because it creates uncertainty about the future.  I couldn't believe the depth of fear that came upon me immediately after my divorce.  If you struggle in this space like me, here are a few things from my journal regarding fear and the need to live in the present moment:

• If the devil cannot get to you with fear, he will come after you with temptation.  Some of the biggest areas of temptation are anger and the need to take control.  Both of these are reactions to living in the past or in the future.

He walked across the stage in his graduation gown.  Watching him from the audience was a surreal experience.  I think anytime you watch your child graduate from high school, it is momentous.  But, I have to say it is especially momentous when you weren't sure if he would live long enough to graduate.  Cancer has a way of putting things into perspective.

He didn't want a party.  He simply wanted his closest family members to join him for a nice dinner.  So, that's what we did.  I told him he could order whatever he wanted, and he ordered everything from appetizer to dessert.  He enjoyed himself immensely (he always does when he gets to go out for a meal) and we left the restaurant three hours later.

The same week he graduated, my daughter moved into her own place for the first time.  I just hung up from a FaceTime call with her, because she wanted to show me how she organized her new kitchen.  I'm happy for her, but can't help but notice her empty bedroom every time I walk past it.

Its been a big week and my emotions are all over the place.  I am not sure if any of them are even remotely accurate, so I am letting them do their thing, run their course, and hopefully I will stabilize soon.  A mother's heart is a complex thing, after all.

The events have happened so quickly that I haven't had time to reflect, or more importantly, be grateful.  God has worked within my children's lives so profoundly, and I want to be sure I stop to share these moments with Him.  Both of my children are, after all, miracles.  

My daughter, adopted after years of abuse, was so violent and self-destructive as a child that I can remember praying someday she would just be functional.  She's finishing her Bachelor's degree in a few years, and will start her Master's program after that.  My son, who drives all over the big city, was supposed to be blind after the last brain surgery.  But, he sees fine.

How easily I forget God's miracles.  These are big miracles, so I can't help but wonder how often I miss the small ones.  Is He not incredible?  Is He not so good to us when we don't deserve it?  No wonder David wrote Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! (Psalm 107)

Today is Memorial Day, so I'm also grateful for the sacrifices of our soldiers today.  There's so much to thank God for at this point in my life.  At the same time, I flip on the news and watch the destruction in Ukraine.  Every attack breaks the heart of the refugee families I am sponsoring, as they watch their city systematically destroyed, praying for the family members left behind.  As my kids are growing more independent, God brought others into my life who need me. 

I've learned so much about sponsoring refugees.  Its about so much more than providing for their needs - although that is critical.  They need to be accepted by Americans, and they need our time.  They are trying to adjust to a new culture and a radically different way of life.  They need someone to practice English and to stay engaged, no matter how hard it becomes.  They need us to show up and have dinner, and to check in with them to see how they're doing.  

Again, I'm grateful to have the opportunity.  

Life is changing, but God remains constant.  He is working so many things in my life right now.  His plans are so much more fulfilling than anything I could have dreamed up for myself.

Happy Memorial Day.  Don't forget to thank the One who makes all things possible today.  He loves you so very much.

Today is Mother's Day.  So, in honor of Mother's Day, I'll share one of my finest motherhood moments.  

When my son was three years old, he somehow got a cut near his eyebrow.  I didn't think it was deep enough to require stitches, but I did have some "liquid stitches" in my medicine cabinet.  If you've never used liquid stitches before, it is basically super glue for your skin.  Instead of a bandage, you can use liquid stitches to close a wound.  I felt like a genius for thinking of this idea, not to mention it was going to save me a trip to the emergency room. 

My son was very upset over his cut and he'd been crying.  I laid him down in my lap and tried to get him to hold still so I could super glue his wound shut.  I applied the glue to the wound, and as it was drying, he decided to wipe his tears.  

Unfortunately, this is where things went south.  He drug his hand across the cut above his eyebrow...and then continued to drag it across his eye.  Before I had a chance to react, the damage was done.  He had drug the glue across his upper and lower lashes as he closed his eye.  His eye was glued shut.

This is an important part of the story, because when we argue about this story 16 years later, he likes to say that I glued his eye shut.  But, the fact remains that he actually glued his own eye shut.  I simply witnessed it.  I'd also like to point out that not all of his eye was glued shut, but approximately 75% of it was.  He had a small opening that he could still peer through.  

Anyway, at the time, I was freaking out because I didn't know if it would damage his eye.  His upper and lower lashes were glued shut and no amount of tugging on my part would open them.  Not to mention, I was quickly losing the cooperation of a very mad three-year old.

I called the doctor.

"Is he in pain?" the doctor asked.  

I looked down at him.  He had calmed down and began playing with his toy truck on the floor (although he had to look at it with one eye).

"I don't think so," I said.

"Is the glue all on just the lashes?" he asked.

"Yes, it appears so."

"This will dissolve itself in a few days," the doctor said.  "As long as he's not in pain, I'd just let it wear off naturally."

So, for three days, my son walked around looking at everything with one eye.  Let me tell you, the Mom guilt was pretty terrible. Every time he played with a block and had to turn his head to see it out of one eye, I died a little inside.  I refused to take him to day care, because I did not want to have to explain the situation.  We stayed home for those three days together until he could resume normal functioning again.

But, my son being the comedian that he is, never lets me forget this story.  Every time we get into an argument and he's losing, his last act of desperation is to say to me, "Well, you glued my eye shut."

And when he says this, I usually respond with a lot of compassion and empathy.  "Is your eye glued shut now?  No.  You're welcome."  I'm afraid when I die, he's going to have She glued my eye shut engraved on my tombstone (which as we've already established is historically inaccurate).

You know, every time I read Luke Chapter 2 of the Bible where Mary and Joseph lost a twelve-year old Jesus for three days, I think to myself, Well, there you go.  Parenthood isn't easy, even when you're raising the Messiah!

We're not perfect parents, but God uses us in spite of our imperfections.  He sees our hearts, and He knows how difficult the struggles can be.  I always think of the single Moms on Mother's Day, especially those with young kids.  Those first few years can feel like survival and doing it alone is an especially heavy burden.  Single Moms are truly heroes.

My first few years of raising my kids, I felt like I was failing all of the time.  But, at the end of the day, what my kids needed was a Mom who loved them.  I could give them that much, even if I missed the mark on a lot of other things.  

So, this Mother's Day, I just encourage you to see your accomplishments.  Your mistakes will fade into time, but your kids will always remember how much you loved them.  

Happy Mother's Day.

1 Peter 3:4: "You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."

Last night I decided to ride along with my son, who works for a delivery service (delivering food and groceries) as a full-time gig.  It works well for him, because if he has a day he's not feeling well, he doesn't have to work.  Being a two-time cancer survivor at age nineteen takes a toll on the body, and some days he's not able to work a job like most.  He has a weekly earnings goal, and he was short on deliveries this week, so I told him I'd drive if he would deliver.  

I am so glad I did.

Because of his struggles, he's not a typical nineteen year old.  He may be unable to follow conversation for a long period of time.  Everything he does is at half the speed of a normal person.  Radiation does that to a brain.  But, he is the kindest soul you'll ever meet.  His faith is rock solid, and his heart is one of love for everyone around him.  He literally drives around town with the heater on when he's delivering food to keep the food from getting cold.  He's that thoughtful.

As we began to get food and grocery orders, I had a quick realization that, in our particular area, those who were placing orders weren't necessarily the wealthy.  Quite the opposite.  Orders were coming from those who were struggling, for whatever reason.  Perhaps they couldn't leave their house and they depended upon delivery.  Maybe they didn't have a car (which on our particular location, means you are unable to do much since nothing is within walking distance).  Whatever the reason, I quickly realized his job was more than food and grocery delivery.

One of our orders was at a grocery store in a rough area of town.  My son can often miss items on a shelf, so it takes a long time to do the grocery orders.  For this order, he was trying to find cough drops and I was getting ready to walk over to help him.  Instead, I watched a young man walk over to my son and help him find the cough drops.  He wasn't an employee, just a customer.  

After we were done shopping, we pulled up to a house that was a wreck.  The lawn wasn't mowed and the neighborhood wasn't great.  An old man waited for us on the porch.  My son brought his groceries and talked with him for a little while.  I watched the interaction between the two and as my son was leaving, the old man pulled $5 out of his pocket and gave it to him.  

We went to pick up the next order, which was a pizza place.  My son went inside and they clearly knew him and smiled when he walked in.  He had to get three Sprites and two pizzas.  His mind can hang up on certain things, and being able to carry three Sprites and two pizzas was going to be difficult for him to figure out.  I began to get out of the car to help him.  But, before I did, the man in the back of the pizza place came to the front register.  He brought a bag for the Sprites and put the pizzas into my son's pizza bag for him. Then he opened the door for him.

I asked him if every day is like this for him.  

"Yeah, pretty much." he said.  "There's an older grandmother on the other side of town that I love talking to.  She always orders strawberry yogurt and cat food.  She has a bad hip.  One time she tipped me $25.  I also really love delivering to the juvenile prison.  They're all so nice there."

After our delivery was complete, we got another order from the same pizza place.  My son went inside, and I heard them say, "Welcome back!" and watched the same routine.  They helped him pack his pizzas and opened the door and off we went.

It hit me that my son doesn't just deliver food and groceries, he has somehow created a ministry.  He works in areas where people seem to need him, yet those same people also help him.  Nearly everyone we delivered to was waiting for him on their front porch.  

Isn't it interesting how God uses everyone for his glory in unique ways?  The pace of my son's life allows him to slow down and pay attention to those who need him.  He is not worried about rushing off to the next order, he's completely in the moment, making sure everyone in his life feels valued.    

The amazing part is God doesn't use our perfection.  He uses our weaknesses for His glory.  Life wouldn't have slowed down for my son if it wasn't for the cancer.  The Ukrainian families would not be my neighbors if it wasn't for my divorce.  Our worst moments become a launchpad for His greatness.  

He turns our messes into miracles.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

I came across these words this week while reading.  I'm always so torn over how to discuss my divorce.  I never want to glorify divorce, but at the same time, I can't deny that it has caused me to seek God in ways I never would have before.  God pulled me out of the deepest trench I've even been in, so how can I not tell my story?  I've learned so much about God's unconditional love through my divorce.  He has shocked me with his gentleness towards me during some of my worst moments.  

As I make my way through re-reading a few items from my journals, I thought I'd share a few insights that God gave me in my lowest moments.  Sometimes I gather these things from reading, some from the Bible, and some from prayer.  I always bounce it off of the Bible to ensure authenticity, and I always write my realizations in God's voice, because I believe these realizations come from Him.  I hope they bless you as they have me.

• Don't let fear rule you.  Your decisions change not only your life, but others as well.  Take a look at your decisions and look at the impacts on you as well as others around you.  Are they fear-based or faith-based?  Keep loving.  Keep leading in the direction I am taking you.

• I can free you from your trauma, my child.  A life of faith is a life of freedom.  I earned your freedom through death on a cross.  Take the gift I have given to you.  I have given you My heart and My life.  My love for you knows no bounds, and there is power in this kind of love. 

• I am going to give you a real family.  I had real family on earth.  Some were blood relation like My mother, and some were My disciples.  It didn't look like a storybook.  Nothing in my life did.  Yours doesn't have to, either.  Don't spend too much time grieving a fairy tale you've created in your mind that isn't real.  Simply move forward with your purpose.

• You are faithful in your pain, and I see it.  I love you.  You've been through a lot of rejection, but you cannot change who you are because others reject you.  It is toxic and it will destroy you.  I will always restore you to your authentic self.  I want nothing to do with fake masks or images.  I created you, not some cheap imitation.  I never reject you.  I love you, the real, authentic you.  The world will reject you, but take heart, I have overcome the world.

• Your body needs sleep when you are tired.  In a similar way, your mind needs rest, not manipulation.  I love you, and you are My daughter.  Stay strong in Me.  Keep close to Me and stay in My ways.  I will see you through this.  

• Do not fear.  Fear is nothing but a mirage that disappears when confronted.  I am working in all of your situations.  Simply do as I ask of you and do not worry about the world's opinions.  No one else has solutions for you because no one else understands you like I do.  No one else loves you like I do.  My child, you must follow Me so all of these problems don't take you under.  Be kind, but follow Me. 

• Only I can heal your wounds.  You must let go of the expectation that others will do it.  They cannot and they will not.  Take your pain to Me and don't let your anger well up.  Bring it all to Me.  

We have a sweet, cuddly, fat, spoiled dog that my daughter loves with her whole heart.  But, he's got a personality problem.  He likes to break out of our back yard.  No matter how many times we find a way to block the holes he digs under the fence, he seems to always find another weakness in the perimeter and gives himself a self-guided tour of the neighborhood.  This wouldn't be so bad if he would behave.  But, we weren't blessed with a dog that behaves. 

When he breaks out of the yard, he likes to go through the neighborhood trash, or anything else he can get his nose into.  Trash day is his favorite day because all of the trash cans are near the curb.  He can knock them over and sniff through the contents.  Let me tell you, the neighborhood loves him when he does this, and I have spent too many evenings picking up our neighbor's trash.  

About a year ago, our next door neighbor knocked on the front door with his teenage son.

"I know this is a weird question," he said, "but you haven't seen my son's shoes, have you?"

I looked at his son, standing in his work uniform and his socks.  I immediately chuckled and said no.  But then, I remembered seeing a shoe in the back yard and at the time, I thought it was my son's shoe and he probably left it lying around.  However, when I really thought about it, I realized it was an unfamiliar shoe.

"Wait," I said.  "I think they could could be in the back yard."

They followed me to the back yard, and much to my embarrassment, they were indeed my neighbor's shoes.  The teenage owner of these shoes worked at a fast food restaurant, and my dog loved the smell of those shoes, so he brought them home with him.

That is one of just many terrible experiences with our dog.  There was another instance where he took off, and my daughter and I followed him onto our neighbor's acreage to catch him.  Our neighbor didn't recognize us and called the police.  By the time we got it explained to our neighbor and I gave my name and contact information to the nice police officer, our dog had already come home and was sitting on the front porch when we pulled into the driveway.  I told him I was turning him into a floor rug, but he just wagged his tail at me.

We have a busy road near our home, so it isn't just annoying when he gets out of the yard.  It could be dangerous.  He's not smart enough to look out for ongoing traffic, so he's nearly been hit several times. Given no other choice, he is now under lockdown due to his terrible behavior. We supervise him every time he goes outside, since he poses a threat to the motorists on the road as well as the neighborhood shoes.  He views the fence as his prison, but it is actually there for his protection, since he is unable to navigate the dangers.  If only he understood we are protecting him.  But, he is stupid.

My annoying canine situation got me thinking about what it means to leave the protection of someone who loves you.  As much as I would hate to admit it (and I do hate to admit it), I probably share some spiritual traits with our dog.  I bolt from the safety of God's protection when I think I have a better idea.

Psalm 91:1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

We can make decisions in our lives that bring us peace.  We can also make decisions that bolt through our protective "fence" and throw us into chaos.  Danger abounds when we make these types of decisions, and we feel the impact of it immediately.

I have a terrible temper.  I blame my red hair, but the truth is my rebellious spirit is really to blame.  I know better than to get worked up over things, rolling them over in my mind, until I'm ready to tell someone off.  Disrespect-fully (is that a word?).

Every time I do this, I'm bolting through my fence.  One would think I would have figured this out before my mid-forties, but I honestly used to think these types of confrontations were necessary to be sure people respected you.  But, this type of behavior doesn't garner respect, and it certainly doesn't display the heart of Christ.

Yet, my temper likes to make an appearance anytime I feel threatened or rejected.  When I fall back into this behavior, I'm dealing with all kinds of fallout.  There's drama in my life, chaos, and resentment.  I have to work at healing relationships.  Let me tell you, life outside of the fence isn't all its cracked up to be.  The grass is not greener and I've found I prefer the still waters the Bible talks about.

Psalms 23:1-4  The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Another way I like to run straight through my fence is by refusing to rest.  God has been very clear with me that I need to take breaks and recognize a sabbath.  My introvert personality requires it.  I was designed for it.  My job requires a lot of hours, so I need to rest and take care of myself.

But, every so often, I decide I know better.  I will have a good time with my friends and my (albeit small) extrovert side decides to plan every weekend from here until eternity.  I need to take the families from Ukraine to a football game (they wouldn't be properly indoctrinated to America if I didn't).  Lionel Richie is on tour and I need to see him sing "Hello" in a stadium full of people.  I need to go to baseball games this summer, and don't forget, I also want to volunteer to help fix up our schools on the weekends.

Let me tell you how this plays out.  I become overwhelmed, overscheduled, and interestingly enough, my temper likes to make an appearance because I haven't had any downtime.  I also end up lying on the couch with a bag of Cheetos wondering why I can't find any peace.  God knew better, but I  blew through the fence and did things my own way.  It results in me getting run over on the highway of life, every time.

Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I'm not sure God can say it anymore clearly than he does in Isaiah.  His ideas are better than ours.  He knows what we need, even when we don't know.  He sees the bigger picture when we're distracted by small things.  But, we have to choose His ways over our desires.  That's where we always get tripped up.

If you're struggling with chaos in your life and looking for peace, it is worth examining whether you're running through a fence and doing things your own way.  I can tell you from experience, this ends up being true in my life more often than not.  Sometimes I run through the fence and don't realize it until I am dealing with the consequences.  

The amazing thing about our God is that He never closes the gate.  We're always welcome back, and we can always come home.  His love is unconditional and ever-faithful.  He's waiting for us with open arms every time.

That's our God.

There are days I get buried in it all.  Divorce often (not always) takes two people to contribute, and sometimes I look back at the last twenty years and wish I'd done things differently.  But, my marriage had been difficult for a long time, and near the end I felt like I was losing my mind in the craziness of it all.  He would say the same.  My life now is much more peaceful, I know that, but you also don't just forget twenty years.

I was thinking about when the kids were young the other day.  He and I had taken them camping, and there was a creek (nearly a river) we needed to cross by using stepping stones.  The water was rushing,  and I was ready to turn back towards the safety of the campsite.  My son was probably three years old, my daughter five.  There was no way they could jump between the stones to cross the river, and I just knew they would be swept away by the water if we attempted it.  But, he wanted to keep going.

So, he scooped both kids up, and he jumped across the stones in the river holding both of them like a sack of rocks under each arm.  They were laughing loudly, safe in their Dad's arms while he carried them to the other side.  They got to the other side of the river and then yelled for me to follow, which of course I did, because I couldn't be outdone.  I snapped a picture of it, and I am sure it is floating around in my storage room somewhere in the box of memories that I won't open.  I doubt the kids even remember it.

Life never takes us in the direction we anticipate.  I was at a business conference a few days ago and one of the speakers said, "The most difficult changes in my life have always resulted in my life being better, even though at the time it feels like everything is falling apart."  I've been pondering on that statement, wondering if it is indeed true for me.  I think the answer is yes and no.  God uses all things for good, for those who believe in Him.  But, I could have certainly lived without my son's cancer diagnosis, and a few other events in my life.

There's a new level of healing that occurs when I can look back at the past and be grateful for the experiences, but not feel buried under guilt, shame, or regret.  Its also a new level of spiritual maturity, and if I think about it, spiritual maturity seems to fast-track healing.  When I think about the past and begin to feel buried, the best counter-attack is to pursue my Savior.

I like to pursue Him in a variety of ways, but these are my top 3 ways in a situation like this:

1.  Prayer Journaling:  I spend five minutes writing down my prayers to Him.  I thank Him for things.  I ask Him for things.  I write down realizations I've had and ask Him if I'm on the right track.  I ask for help with my problems.  I set a timer on my phone and when it goes off after five minutes, I put my pen down.  

After five minutes, I set my timer for ten minutes and I write down everything I believe God is saying to me.  I try to always listen to God for twice as long as I talk.  I write down His truths about me, I write down Bible verses that come to mind, and I write down how much He loves me.  Over and over, I write down how much He loves me.

The interesting thing about this exercise is that if I go back through my piles of journals, God seems to tell me the same things over and over (and over) again.  I forget easily and so often, yet when I look back at the pages of my writings, I can see how He reminds me of the same things again and again.  His truths don't change.  He simply has to tell me a lot of times so I will remember.

2.  Exercise:  Even though I complain about it incessantly, I actually do enjoy exercising.  In particular, I enjoy running and listening to worship music.  There's something about pushing your body to do difficult things while listening to praise music that lifts your mind from a state of chaos to a state of praise.  I don't do this one often enough, because the hardest part of exercise is convincing yourself to start.  But, when I do, I never once regret doing it.

3.  Devotions, Podcasts, or Reading:  I am an avid Youtube watcher, and my subscription list is filled with live-streamed church services and devotion channels.  I like these types of study that help me read my Bible, and also understand my Bible.  There's been a lot of situations where I've struggled and I click on a podcast that directly addresses my particular dilemma.  

If my mind is exhausted, I won't watch devotions or podcasts on television.  I'll pick up my Bible or a Christian book instead.  I still love old-school reading where we get to flip the pages and make notes in the margins.  Sometimes I need to turn off all distractions and just curl up with a book that tells me biblical truths.

These are some of my tools to stop my mind from taking me to the bottom of my grief.  I think it is important for everyone to have their own spiritual tools, and it is important to know yourself well enough to know your favorite ways of working on your personal relationship with God.  Your tools may be unique, because our God made you unique.  

If you find yourself recovering from a very difficult event in your past, it might be worthwhile to write down your list.  I called them tools, but in reality, they're weapons.  They're tools for you to connect with God, but they're also weapons to be used against your enemy.  I love the image of a tool being used to help you connect with God as one function, but the same tool becomes a defense weapon.

So, fill your toolbox and stock your arsenal.  

You aren't meant to be overrun with the past.  You're meant to be powerful in the future.