I'm watching the sun setting from my office window.  My neighbor's American flag is flying in the horizon.  It is torn, ripped by a series of storms that passed through our state last week.  Yet, the flag still flies as the wind blows.  The sun peeks through the pieces of worn fabric as it sets, creating a beautiful and patriotic view.

Every sunset is different, and I can't help but marvel at God's creativity every time I watch one of his unique masterpieces in the evenings.  The sky becomes art, as He draws on His canvas.  He never paints the same scene twice.  To have a mind like that, can you imagine?

I set my alarm for 15 minutes earlier a few mornings ago and decided it was time to start obeying God.  He asks the smallest things of us, doesn't He?  I made my coffee, stumbled onto my deck, and I spent 15 minutes with him before starting my day.  The time flew by, and I wished it was longer, feeling like a horrible person that it took me this long to be obedient to Him with such a small amount of time.

But then, I had the strangest day.  

Problems at work exploded.  I missed an appointment due to dealing with problems at work.  My kids had issues that were frustrating.  I was tempted by just about everything imaginable to become angry.  I got an unexpected bill in the mail.  Then I was notified I'd been summoned for jury duty.  I was extremely stressed for the majority of the day while problem after problem unfolded.  By the end of the day, I felt numb and slightly bewildered, as if I were coming out of battle.

It was weird, especially considering I got up early to spend time with God so I can work on my anger.  Then, my entire day made me angry.  I thought I would see progress.  This was regress, the exact opposite of progress.  I was going in the wrong direction and I was really angry about it, which was yet another problem.

The next day wasn't much better.  More problems at work resulted in an inappropriate amount of anger from me.  Problems are frustrating, yes, but they shouldn't be infuriating. I don't like it.  I don't want to be that person.  I can't help but think about why I'm so easily triggered.  

Maybe it doesn't matter.  Hurt from the past, pressure in the present, and fear over the future all play a role.  I can cite people, situations, and even things I've done to myself as likely culprits.  I've been through a lot over these past few years, including a divorce, and I just don't know if it is a good use of my mental energy to rehash all of that.

I just need some healing from the Healer.  I guess God already knows that.  He's been showing me over the past few days that the situations can be varied, but my responses are the same.  I'm operating from a place of pain more often than I care to admit.  

And that makes me angry.  Of course.

Last night, I must have gotten less than three hours of sleep.  After I decided not to rehash my triggers, I tossed and turned, rolling over all kinds of scenarios in my mind.  All of them were infuriating.  I wasn't treated right in this situation.  My parents weren't there for me in my childhood.  My divorce still hurts so much.  The list went on and on, and my mind was replaying one bad hit after another.

I wasn't just angry, I was in a pit of anger.  My inner turmoil bubbled over as I prayed for peace and begged for sleep.  But, as soon as I finished praying, I began running another scenario through my mind that made me angry all over again.  I replayed every painful instance of victimhood I could think of.  

Around 2 a.m., I had a thought.  What if my angry flesh sensed it was no longer going to have its way in my life and it was throwing a fit?  What if my flesh was trying to make me uncomfortable so it could drag me into a pit of anger?  What if this was a gigantic tantrum?

Even after this realization, it was hours before it settled down.  But do you know what?  Christ is stronger than this anger, and Chris has already defeated this anger.  I just have to ignore it, I don't have to defeat it.  Short-lived suffering is nothing compared to long-term peace.  I am in it for the long game.

I had no idea when I decided to obey God and work on my anger that I would step into the ring of an epic spiritual battle.  My flesh has decided to whine, complain, and fight for control over my life.  It is dangerous and destructive and it has been allowed free reign for far too long.

So, every day has been the same 15 minutes in the morning.  It doesn't seem like much, but it is what God is asking of me right now.  As I get stronger, He may ask for more, but for now it seems this is enough to trigger all kinds of fleshly temper tantrums.  I've hit a nerve and things are certainly welling up.

Tonight, I got a shower, crawled into bed and felt angry over the smallest of things.  It is so defeating.  I set my alarm for 15 minutes earlier tomorrow.  And, I will put my head on the pillow at a reasonable time so I can get up a bit earlier tomorrow.  

I trust Him with this and I believe in His ability to heal me.

Our city goes all out for 4th of July, and the entire sky is lit up with the celebration. We always look forward to our 4th of July parties.  Fireworks, food, and swimming in the backyard pool typically make for a fun gathering.  This year was no exception.  

But, this year, we had some special guests from Ukraine.

I sure do love that family, and I really enjoyed celebrating 4th of July with them this year.  It was probably my favorite 4th of July.  At one point, while my brothers set off yet another gigantic firework, the father of the Ukraine family looked up at the sky and said, "dreams do come true."

The things we take for granted living in this country.

I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I said no to God.  If I refused to act on something I clearly knew he was calling me to do, if I had not filled out the paperwork to sponsor a family from Ukraine.  They would still be stuck in limbo, and I would be wondering what happened if I had actually taken the leap.

I wonder how much I miss out on now, when He asks me to do something outside of my comfort zone and I refuse.  I bet I'm missing out on a lot.  It makes me want to be more obedient, more often.  

My issue is often times I find myself disobedient in the smallest of things.  Like perhaps I don't need to watch YouTube for hours on end.  Or maybe I don't need to buy that impulsive thing.  Or I can be kinder to my kids.  But, after watching the incredible miracle he worked for my family, and the family from Ukraine as he stitched our lives together, I have to wonder.

Am I missing out on more?  

It seems like common sense that God leads us down a path towards a better life.  But, if that's the case, why are we so resistant?  He good plans for our lives and His plans are not to harm us.  The Bible tells us so.  But, do we really believe that?  Do we really believe Him?  Or, is it just that we're resistant to being uncomfortable?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how insignificant this life is compared to eternity.  Yet, I spend so much time worrying about the little things.  I worry about my health, my money, my decisions.  What would happen if I just really believed that God leads me down a path towards a better life if I follow Him?  One decision to follow Him leads to another, which leads to another, and soon obedience becomes a habit.

I bet the disciples had the time of their lives following Jesus.  Yes, of course, I know it there were some very difficult times.  But, they spent the remainder of their lives faithfully preaching the Good News.  They couldn't forget it, and they couldn't lead their lives any other way.  They had the time of their lives following Jesus.  They experienced things we can only imagine, and they never wanted to deviate from the path He taught them.  

I want to be the same.  Yet, I'm so easily derailed.  Even Paul said, I do the things I don't want to do, and I don't do the things I should do.  I can certainly relate.  Paul and I might have been best friends.

I think obedience starts with the small things.  I've been reminded this week that anger is my default emotion as I've found myself getting upset over the smallest of things.  More days than not, I wake up angry.  Every day it is a different reason.  Some days it is over something significant and other days it is over nothing.  But the devil has a heyday with my short fuse. 

God has asked me to start dealing with this first thing in the morning,  He wants me to confront it head on by spending time with him as soon as all of this starts.  But, life is busy.  I get up and I am often late, fervently getting ready for work, trying to get out the door.  I tell myself I'll deal with it on the drive into work, but I'm often distracted and forget about it completely.  The next day is a carbon copy of the prior day.  And the cycle continues until I blow a fuse.

I wonder what I'm missing out on by not being obedient.  Actually, I don't have to wonder.  I'm missing out on peace, contentment, and healing.  All because I won't get up 15 minutes earlier, or because I stayed up late the night before and I'm too tired to focus that early in the morning.

Its a small thing, but at the same time, it is a big thing.  Why on earth is it so difficult for me to be obedient when God is asking something so little of me?  And, it is for my own benefit? One has to question their level of intelligence to be this stupid.  I can do something so big for Him, such as bringing a family here from Ukraine, yet be so disobedient in the small things.  

Disobedience in the small things is perhaps where most of our misery lies.  It is where the battles are won and lost.  Our small decisions every day make all the difference.

So, as I've asked God to show me the next big thing He wants me to do, I anticipated something big.  I thought maybe He would want me to start a nonprofit.  Maybe write a book.  Perhaps lead a Bible study at church.  But, He has asked me to get up 15 minutes earlier every day to deal with my anger.  

I really didn't expect that.  It is such a small thing, and it seems so insignificant and if I'm honest, boring. I'm ready to "do" things for God.  I didn't expect Him to ask me to change for Him.  But, how could I have not seen this coming?  This is God's calling card.  He's always changing us for the better.  He's always forming us into the image of Christ. 

Christ didn't live an angry life.

So, tomorrow, I've set my alarm for 15 minutes earlier.  The only way to heal anger is to seek the Healer himself.  It is time to start the new life of adventure He's calling me to, even though it wasn't what I anticipated.

But I digress.

There's been a few other challenges this week.  Insurance has over-billed me.  Cellphone carriers are not giving me the deal they've advertised  (I knew it was too good to be true).  The A/C broke in the car.  The other vehicle we own is in the shop.   

Did I mention I'm having hot flashes?  The interesting thing about them is you're not just hot, you're also incredibly angry.  I thought I was going to take a baseball bat to my printer earlier this week, just like in the movie Office Space.  Then I realized I was just having a hot flash.

But I digress again.

With my wild mood (and temperature) swings, I can't fully discern if I am overreacting to normal life events.  It is challenging to keep everything in proper perspective.  But even without the broken A/C, hot flashes, and uncooperative printers, life is hard.  It is hard for everyone.  Something always goes wrong and in this broken world, I don't know why I continue to be surprised when things are, well, broken.

But, as I struggle to keep my calm with my cellphone carrier, I am reminded of one thing.  Jesus is with us always, everywhere.  I cannot imagine the annoying things that must have popped up everywhere He went.  People followed Him, disciples argued, and Pharisees plotted His death. Yet, He was never deterred from His mission; to do the will of His father.  His focus was on loving others, and His message of love changed the world.  

I wonder how my focus can be the same.  Even if I do feel like I'm going to catch on fire if we have one more hot day this summer.  This has been on my mind lately, and likely the Holy Spirit is prodding me to get back on the right track.  I know I'm too easily offended.  I know I'm getting upset over small things that don't matter.  I know I shouldn't take a baseball bat to the printer.  

When I consider all that Jesus dealt with, are things within my life really so bad?  For that matter, are they even that important?  Should all of my peace be wrapped up in things of this world?  That's a sure way to live a disappointed life.

Peace is an odd thing, isn't it?  It is given to us by God, yet it is something we have to continually fight to maintain.  

Last week, after my temper flared over the unimportant, a bigger problem surfaced.  It was time for my son's annual MRI.  He's a two-time cancer survivor at age 18, and his annual scans are highly stressful.  While my concerns over the cellphone bill and the printer faded in the midst of something more serious, the mental fatigue from dealing with those issues remained.  

I was battling for calm while sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to hear if his cancer had re-appeared.  I couldn't help but be angry over sitting in the office alone, without a spouse to lean on.  In fact, I was angry over everything.  The doctor was late.  Traffic was difficult.  You name it, I had a complaint about it.

Soon, the doctor appeared and assured us that everything looked good.  There was no new cancer, and my son has healed well from his last surgery.  All of the news was positive, and we were so relieved. My kids and I smiled and hugged each other.  Yet, even after that amazing news, my peace didn't return.  As I drove home, I was still troubled.  My mind was moving onto the next problems awaiting me at home, not even taking the time to thank God for the blessings He'd just bestowed on my family.  

Isn't interesting that even with a change in the most serious of circumstances, peace does not reappear?  I guess that's the problem with our peace being dependent upon things of this world.  There's always something to worry about, something to be upset about.  

Do I really want to be the bitter, angry, hot-flashing lady who everyone steers clear from at the family gatherings?

Not particularly.  Quirky, yes.  Bitter and angry, no.

I want to be like the leper who returned to thank Jesus for what He'd done for him (Luke 19), not like the other nine who went on with their lives without returning to say thanks.  I want to be the one who is different.  I want to keep my eyes on Christ.  I want to be grateful for the miracle, not distracted by something insignificant.  

Jesus was too important to allow small, insignificant battles to trip Him up.  And, so are we.  These distractions in our lives do not need to cause any further disruption.  Through the grace of Christ, we get to enjoy the fruits of our hard labor.  Why would we ever choose to worry them away?  That's the true tragedy of allowing ourselves to become easily offended and angered, not the actual offense.

Let us be peaceful.  

Not everything has to go our way.  Not everyone has to agree with us, and its okay if they don't.  We can't require that in order to have peace.  

All we need is Jesus.

It was a sunny, hot day and the two of us were relaxing under the umbrella in the shade.  She looked across the pool, her boys playing loudly while splashing one another. We watched the boys, smiling at their antics.  

"Did you see the news on Ukraine today?" she asked me through the translator.

I had not.  I quickly put the search into my phone and saw yet another round of violence, death, and destruction.  She shook her head.  Two extremes presented themselves at once, as often happens in her life now.  Her boys were joyfully playing, peacefully in the swimming pool.  Meanwhile, her homeland was plunged in chaos and darkness.  Any joy she feels is always bittersweet now, mingled with sorrow.

Sometimes all you can do is sit quietly with someone, because there's nothing to say.  We eventually changed the subject and chatted about other things, but her homeland was never far from her mind.  

Our friendship hasn't come easy.  When you don't speak the same language, everything is awkward and difficult.  Misunderstandings abound, and despite our best efforts not to hurt each other's feelings, it can happen when translations don't work correctly.  

But, both she and I have an unspoken pact.  We're willing to work through the awkward.  We're willing to keep trying, keep communicating, because our friendship is worth it.  No matter how hard, we get out our phones, open our translator apps, and we keep talking.  Something rather amazing has happened as a result of our resolve.

We've learned we have a lot in common.  We laugh at the same things.  We are both moms, both lovers of adventure, and both highly sensitive.  It turns out we are fantastic friends, and the translation has become more of a bit of an inconvenience rather than a struggle.  We know each other's hearts, so we don't worry about miscommunications anymore.  We just laugh about them.

Only God could perform such a miracle.  

It must have been ten years ago that I asked God to please surround me with good, Christian girlfriends.  I wanted more than just shallow friendships, I wanted friends that I could share my faith with.  I wanted friends I could battle life with.  I wanted sisters.

God heard my prayers and he sent two good friends into my life that have been with me for years.  I am someone who has many acquaintances, but close friends are few.  So, these friendships are precious to me.  And here God is again, being faithful to a prayer I prayed years ago.

Another sister.  

Of course God knew all along that we would click.  His plans are full of infinite blessings, and discovering each of them is the joy of my life.  

Psalm 68:6 God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Another friend texted me this week.  How are you? she asked.  I'm recovering from surgery and she sent me a care package, full of thoughtful gifts.  We texted back and forth, and we ended up talking about her upcoming birthday party.  I am so excited for it.

How did this happen to an introvert like me?  I look over the past few years and think about what I've lost in my divorce.  I lost half of my family, as well as some special relationships.  I lost my support system and my sense of safety and security. But, yet here God is, being so faithful.  He sets the lonely in families, even if isn't always blood relatives.  

I am watching him recreate my family, whether through friends, a very special family from Ukraine, or through blood relation that has tightened around me.  My friends have stepped up in a huge way.  Empathetic family members have rallied around me.  It is new, and it is so very precious.  I know it could only be God because it is so miraculous.  

What kind of a God cares this much about my pain?  What kind of a God so thoughtfully replaces what's been lost?  His faithfulness is indescribable.  

I've seen him set the lonely in families before.  My kids are adopted from Russia, and I watched him work miracles to bring them into our lives.  I know He cares about us when we’re lonely.  I know He feels the hurt when we have lost those close to us.  It matters to Him.  I shouldn’t be so surprised He’s worked hard to replace what’s been lost.

Last night, my kids and I went out to eat at a Thai restaurant that we’d never been to before.  We tried a few new foods, talked about our day, and in the middle of our conversation, my son said, “Mom, I really like our new family.”  

I nodded, because I knew exactly what he meant. “God sets the lonely in families,” I said, “I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately.”

“When He does, I think both are lonely, don’t you think?  Not just one person, but maybe both.”

Just then, our pastor walked by and stopped by the table briefly to say hello.  “Are you taking Mom out to dinner tonight?” 

The kids agreed that yes, they were, and we continued the conversation between the three of us as he joined his wife across the restaurant.  It was the craziest timing, in a new restaurant, just as we were discussing God’s goodness to us.  The pastor who taught us this very lesson about God setting the lonely in families appeared out of nowhere.

The more I thought about the timing of the appearance, the more I was tickled by God's creativity.  He didn't have to do that, but it really made us smile.  God continues to surprise us, delight us, and make us laugh.  I can't wait to see what He has in store next. 

I had a dream last night.  

I dreamed I was sitting on a trailer with both of my kids.  It was a small, flat wooden trailer pulled behind a tractor.  The kids and I were riding on this trailer down a worn dirt road.  The trailer hit many bumps as the tractor pulled us along.  I was frustrated because the bumps were large and it felt like all of us were going to fall off.  There were no side rails and nothing to hang onto.  My ex-husband was driving the tractor.

Every time we hit a bump, I became more and more angry.  I could feel my anger welling up inside, and I was criticizing him from the trailer, telling him he needed to be more careful.  I was sure we were all going to fall off.  At the end of the dream, he walked back to the trailer where the three of us were sitting.  He disconnected the tractor from the trailer, and he drove away, saying nothing.  I watched the back of him fade away as the three of us remained on the trailer.  The tractor was gone.  There was no one to lead the way, no one to pull us along, and we were on our own.  

Even though I was in a deep sleep, I felt an immense amount of pain as he faded away.  I guess it could only be described as sorrow, because it was overwhelming distress.  I felt it deep within my chest, threatening to drown me with hopelessness.  I awoke and laid in bed for a while, just processing the incredible amount of sadness I felt.

I don't know why a dream like that would come along four years after we've parted ways.  Grief is a strange thing, isn't it?  After laying in bed for a while, I took my sadness, anger and hopelessness to God.  I probably should have been more reverent with my approach, but I wasn't in the mood for proper manners.  Lord, what do you want me to do with this?  You say to trust you through all of this, but trust is really difficult when all of this pain is present.

I reflected more on the dream.  I tried to find something positive or perhaps a hidden message.  Possibly it was my mind's way of processing some pain, and maybe there was benefit there.  But, no wisdom came from it.  In fact, it simply tempted me to fall into loneliness, anger and depression.  I tried to step back from the emotion of it.  The dream wasn't God trying to tell me something, or trying to get my attention.  It was, in fact, just a dream that wasn't real.  

The problem is the pain was real.  As I sat on my bed, thinking about how detached I felt just like the trailer, I felt God say to me I never waste my children's pain.  Trust me through this.  

I sighed.  

To be honest, I would rather have a divine task list or perhaps an instruction booklet with steps I could take to get rid of all of this sadness.  I like those kinds of things, because it puts me back in control.  I suppose that's the biggest challenge with grief.  I have no control over it.  It comes and goes, and I feel helpless to fix it.   I mean, surely there's a book I can read or steps I can follow.

But, I've walked with God long enough to know He was probably going to tell me to trust Him.  This whole terrible experience has been a gigantic lesson in trust.  No, I wasn't surprised to hear there were no steps for me to take, no message to decode.  He simply acknowledged that yes, I was in pain, He has a handle on it, and I just need to trust Him.

I wonder if He remembers that I am a Type A personality with trust issues?  

Sometimes waking up in the mornings with pain or anger is so difficult.  Turning the attitude around when you’re already neck-deep in sorrow before your feet hit the ground can feel nearly impossible.  But, God is always faithful.

As I continued to think about the detached trailer and the symbolism in my life, I made my way to the cellphone store.  I had an appointment there with a technician to deal with an issue on my phone.  As I walked into the store, I saw the long line of people waiting, and I had a seat.  Next to me was an elderly man, and not long after I entered the store, an elderly woman sat beside him on the soft chair.

“I’m worried if I sit in this chair, I won’t be able to get up,” she said to him.  Then she looked over at me and winked.  “Getting older is no fun.”

“I know what you mean,” he replied.  “I’m 82 years old and every day I wake up and I say ‘thank you Lord, I get to have another day’.”

She nodded.  “Yes, I have you beat by two years.  I am 85 and I am just thankful to God every day that I’m still here and I’m still kicking.”

So I sat there, next to two octogenarians, feeling quite guilty about how they wake up every day thanking God they have another day.  I, on the other hand, woke up with quite a different attitude because I had a dream about a tractor.  Sometimes God can be quite obvious when he’s making a point.  But, I can tell you with certainty that I left the cellphone store with a much different attitude then when I entered.  The message was received.

If we really think about it, trusting God is everything.  It isn’t just the difficulty of my divorce that is a lesson in trusting God.  The same lesson has been taught throughout my entire life, up until this point. For someone like me who battles fear and struggles with trust, I have to remind myself  that I can look back and see how faithful He’s been through the thick and the thin.  There's years of evidence that He's trustworthy, if I will just look at it.

As much as I struggle with these lessons, I am so glad that He calls me to trust Him.  What is my alternative?  To trust myself?  That isn’t going to go well. I can speak confidently on that from experience.  

I have no idea why I had a dream about a tractor down a dirt road.  But, it really doesn't matter.  Part of living in faith is trusting God in the good and the bad, in the happiness and the pain.  These emotions will pass, but my God stays faithful forever.

I can't imagine a better savior.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I don’t know where I begin.

The family from Ukraine arrived in the middle of December.  I wish I could tell you their entire story.  I really do.  But they are a private family, and their story is theirs to tell, not mine.

But here’s what I can tell you.  I love them with all of my heart.  I love all four of them.  They lived here for a while and now they’re working and have moved out into their own place.  But, our bond with them is forever.  We text daily, see each other often, and we share life together.  We love them as if they were our blood.  

I always thought I would be helping them.  But, God is showing me the bigger picture once again. He gave me new family and blessed me to the hilt with the most precious people.  It shouldn’t work out this way, I know.  We don’t even fully speak the same language (thank you, Google Translate).  But, God doesn’t follow the rules.  He doesn’t live by logic.  

Following Him on this adventure is one of the best things I’ve ever done.  It has been a blast and some of the biggest joys of my life have involved getting this family here and settled.  Now they are a part of our everyday life, and we are part of theirs.  Getting to see our country through their eyes has been such a fascinating journey for me.  We are blessed here in America, friends.  

I don’t know how He does it.  He worked out every little challenging detail for them to arrive here safely and begin a new life.  He absolutely showed off throughout this entire process, and He delighted me to no end.  

I see Him so differently now.  I don’t know why, but He’s even more personal to me than before.  He partnered with me on this.  He cleared every obstacle for me.  He assimilated an army of friends and neighbors to help.  He used me, but He did all of the hard work.

Picking them up in the airport was surreal.

Having Christmas with them brought me to tears.

Now, His miracles continue, day after day.

And after all of this, I’ve realized something.  I am miserable without generosity.  I am built to help other people.  It brings my soul and my spirit so much joy.  I want to continue to live my life this way.  I have no desire to continue along the selfish path I used to live.

I want to be generous with my time, with my complements, as well as my money.  I want to embark on new adventures with God.  He is the biggest blast!  

And this time, I want to take you with me.  I want to write about it.  In fact, God has told me to write about it.  So, I’ve been spending some time just thinking about my life, and what that means for me.  I suppose in many ways, nothing changes.  I still have my same job.  I have my same obligations.  There’s no overwhelming changes.  

But, what if instead of focusing on the job as a means to get ahead, I look at it as a money-making tool enabling me to lead a more generous life?  What if I changed my outlook on my life completely?

Being a part of this story has changed me forever.  I’m hooked now on God’s adventures and what He might have planned for me next.

I've watched the video over and over.  It is a video of a missile hitting the business owned by the refugee family that we will be hosting.  It is loud, violent, and incredibly sad.  In an instant, their lifelong work evaporated into smoke, and now they start over with nothing.  I cannot imagine the loss they feel.  I cannot imagine the insecurity all of this uncertainty has created within them.  

They have booked their flights into the United States and they will be here shortly before Christmas. We've begun the countdown. The past two weeks have been an absolute blur of activity while we prepare for their arrival.  I've prayed for God to please show me this is His will, that He's in this, and I've reminded Him that I need his help to do something so bold.  It is difficult to live with those you love, let alone a family you don't know and don't speak the same language.

But God.  He never disappoints me.  Every day there's been a miracle.  I have been so tickled by both his faithfulness and his creativity. 

Every day, something new shows up.  We've had clothes donated and furniture given to us for free.  We've got beds for the children.  We've even had a family volunteer to "adopt" the Ukraine family for Christmas and buy all of their Christmas presents.  I'm blown away.  I wish the Ukrainian family could  see all of the activity happening here while things fall into place for their arrival, but I do give them daily updates.

I've gotten bolder with God.  I have asked him to make bigger things happen and now I am just trusting that He will.  We need to figure out a car situation for them, or some sort of transportation.  I am watching to see what He is going to do.  He's been absolutely showing off these past few weeks, and I wake up every day delighted with what must be coming next.

For example, yesterday, I awoke to a neighbor calling on my cellphone.  She had some old cabinetry in her shed, so she wondered if I might want it for the family.  The crazy thing is that I wanted to put some cabinets in my basement where the family is going to be staying.  I wanted them to be able to snore snacks or perhaps get something to eat in the middle of the night without having to trek up the stairs.  

I immediately woke my daughter up to go with me to look at the new (old) cabinets.  We knew right way it was going to work perfectly for the space we had available.  But, I didn't have a way to move them to my house.  We don't own a truck.  I called my father on his cell to tell him about it, and he said, "I'm ten minutes away with a friend in a truck.  Want us to pick them up for you?"

"Yes!" I said.

And that's how everything has happened since I decided to be bold and follow God's prodding to open my home.  I've only seen God do things like this one other time in my life, and that's when we adopted our children.

Last night, my daughter said to me, "I'm going to bed, but I'm sure you'll wake me up early tomorrow for some other new crazy adventure."

I laughed.  But, her words rang true.  I have no idea what God has in store for us right now.  Every day is a delightful adventure.  I only know it has been a long time since all of us have been this joyful.  I've gotten to know co-workers better as they've reached out.  I've gotten to know my neighbors better.  I had no idea what this would lead to.

Yesterday, I received a message from the father of the Ukraine family.  "My English is not good enough to tell you how I feel," he said, "So I will just say thank you."

I can't wait until they get here.  We've talked about how our two families may not be related but we'll always be family.  God is so good, so faithful, to me.  What a privilege for me to get to help this family.  What a privilege to watch Him work wonderous miracles to make all of this happen.  His love still shocks me.  It is never-ending, and his grace and generosity are unlike anything on this Earth.

What a blast it is to follow Jesus. 

1 Peter 1:8-9  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

A family from our community donated an old, beaten up dresser for the children of the Ukranian family we're going to be hosting.  While we were greatly appreciative, we didn't love how the old dresser looked, even though it worked fine. It had scratches in the paint and the top of it had something sticky that had been spilled on it. So, over the past few days, my father and my kids have been sanding down the old dresser and repainting it.  With a fresh coat of paint and some new knobs, the dresser looks as good as new and will fit perfectly into the bedroom for the children.

We couldn't help but stand back and admire it.  "It looks like new," my son said.  I agreed and couldn't help but think about how God makes things new, too.

My daughter said, "Too bad we don't have two dressers.  Then, when they move out and and each kid has their own room, they would each be able to take their own dresser."

I reminded her they're only coming with what they can fit into a suitcase, so she didn't need to worry.  I was sure the kids can share a dresser.

But, God heard her sweet concerns.  

Today, at work, I got a text from her with another picture of an old dresser.  

"Guess what me and Grandpa found for free!" she texted.  

Sure enough, they found a free dresser sitting by the curb.  She is so excited, and she began sanding the second dresser down today to get it ready for a new coat of paint.  I can't help but be thankful to God for hearing her request.  I can honestly say I've never driven around town and seen a free dresser by the curb.  What are the chances?

Sometimes I'm blown away by how much He cares about the littlest things.  With God, there is always a testimony in everything we go through, even the small stuff.    He can turn the most ordinary things into something extraordinary, even a dresser on the side of the road.

He's always faithful to fill in the gaps. He simply asks us to take what we have to work with and do the best we can with it.  The gaps are His responsibility.  In the midst of any of our circumstances, God is faithful to His promises.  He really wants us to love Him and out of that love do the best we can to serve and obey.  He provides the rest.  

I believe those old dressers becoming new again are just as exciting to God as they are to us. Those old dressers were destined for the dumpster, but now they are being sanded down, painted, and have a purpose of serving a family in need.  Sometimes we need to be sanded and given a fresh coat of paint and a new purpose!    We show up with a willing spirit, and it is amazing to see what God will do.  

The only way we can accomplish what God has called us to do is to lean on Him.  He is our ability.  He wants us to lean on Him for everything, even the ability to do the things that He commands us to do.  He doesn't expect us to do these things on our own strength.  No, he provides us the strength to enable us to run the race He's set before us.  

But, so often we (myself included) underestimate God.  We underestimate our value to Him, and how much He loves us.  We don't always see how much He takes care of us.  We do not realize the power He is willing to exert on our behalf, but when we get our heads around that, we will be blown away by the magnitude of love He has for us.  We serve an almighty, powerful God who is willing to use His power to fill our gaps.  

Ask for a dresser, it will be sitting on the side of the road.  Ask for help, He will show up.  Even in the smallest things, He delivers.  His love is faithful.  Our needs matter to Him.  Our suffering matters to Him.  He delights in being our comforter, our provider.  

We were meant to run our race with Him, not with Him cheering on the sidelines or watching from afar.  

Do you remember when I told you that I felt God stirring in my heart for a new adventure? 

I just haven't been able to shake it.  I want to be used by God in new ways, I long for a break from the routine.  I need something that takes the focus off of me, and onto others.  I want to be less, well, selfish and self-focused.

I've been absorbed by the war in Ukraine since it started.  I'm closely tied to that part of the world. My kids were born in Russia, and I've spent a considerable amount of time there.  When the war began, I couldn't stop watching the news.  I would stay up all night, obsessing over the latest developments.  After a while, I had to force myself to stop.  I was becoming sleep-deprived and anxious, all over things that I could not control.

I may have turned off the television, but as we all know, the war has continued.  I'm not in a position to do much, but I do have a home that has extra bedrooms.  There are Ukranians without homes who need somewhere to go, and someone to care.  More than that, they need someone to help.

So, in a step of total bravery (and probably unlike me, if I'm honest), I put myself out there to sponsor a family.  It wasn't easy.  I was afraid of bringing someone in my home that may harm us, or more likely, may simply not align with our values.  I was fearful, so I prayed and asked God to stop any connection that wasn't His will.

It wasn't long before we were connected with a family.  We arranged for the first video call, and let me tell you, all of our fears are completely gone.  For the past week, we've consistently had video calls with the most lovely, sweet, and yes, heartbroken family.  They've lost it all in this war.  Their business was destroyed, their home was destroyed.  But they will tell you, "It is only money.  We are alive and we are together."

They don't speak the language here, and they are unfamiliar with the way of life here.  Yet, they are so excited to come.  They are excited because they need to safe as a family over the next few years, after experiencing nothing but devastation.  They need a place that feels peaceful, that allows them to heal from the trauma of bombs and missiles.  They are, after all, starting over.  

I know I don't have nearly the trauma this sweet family has experienced.  But, I'm starting over, too.  I have finally decided to let go of the past and see what God has ahead of me.  I've filed divorce papers after three years of separation.  I've asked God to help me move forward into what He has planned for me.  I've told him I want to walk along the path He's designed just for me.

Psalm 25:4 Make me know Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths.

When I prayed this prayer, I thought perhaps He might lead me into another relationship.  I don't feel ready for it, and I really have no intention of getting remarried.  But, I decided to be open to whatever God brought into my life next.

I had no clue, and I mean no clue, it would involve a Ukranian family whose lives were destroyed by war.

I met them the same week I filed divorce papers. In fact, I was connected with them the next day.

God wasn't kidding when He told me He had a full life ahead of me if I would stop living in the past.  I know it sounds crazy, but I am so excited.  I wake up thinking about them.  I go to sleep thinking about them.

Ever since meeting this family, our home has changed.  My kids are as excited as I am.  Now, our evenings are filled with plans for making their living space as nice as possible.  Neighbors have donated beds.  Friends have offered clothes.  Co-workers have even offered to help pay for an apartment.  I had no idea our little community would show so much support.  

We spent this evening repainting a dresser someone donated.  "I wonder what the children's favorite colors are," we mused.  We wondered what kind of movies they like, what kind of games they play.  We are learning more about them daily, and we enjoy planning for their arrival tremendously.

My stress levels have gone down dramatically.  What seemed important in the past has faded into the background.  Now, my focus is on the Ukranian family, and ensuring they have what they need in a horrible time of loss.  Somehow, this giving away of myself and my home, has led to a joyful home of my own.

I wonder if this is what God means when he says His path leads to joy in His presence.

Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I can't wait to be used by God.  Our adventures are only beginning, I know this now.  As his plan unfolds for our lives, it will be anything but boring.  But, if I'm honest, I think all of us in this house are ready for it.  We're ready to help others and live for something besides ourselves.

Let's do it.

This week is the week of filing paperwork around my divorce.  We've been separated for three years, so I guess you could say this is a long time coming.  I have decided not to disclose all of the details around the reasons for our divorce.  We have kids, and they love their Dad, so no amount of ranting will ever excuse hurting my kids.  But, like any divorce, it has been tremendously painful.

Even though I won't disclose all of the details, I absolutely will tell my story and what God has done for me through it.  I have been married for over twenty years.  I met my ex-husband when I was nineteen years old.  There's times I really don't recall much of my life before I got married.  And, I was okay with that. 

I had my life planned out from a young age, and my plans came together pretty nicely.  I had the husband.  After a lot of struggle, we ended up adopting two wonderful children.  I had a good job, a retirement plan, and a map of the traveling I wanted to accomplish over the next twenty years.  I was proud of our life, and I was excited for the future.

I did not plan to be a divorced Mom of two teenagers.  It wasn't on the map.

But, I can tell you with all of my heart, I have never known my savior like I did when I was in the darkest moments of realizing my dreams were shattering into a million pieces.  The first nights we slept in this house, just the three of us, I honestly didn't know if my physical body could handle the pain.  I felt like such a failure.  I felt like such a disappointment to God, and I could not see how He could ever be proud of a daughter like me, who couldn't even keep her marriage together.

I worried about my kids until I was sick.  The pain was unreal for them, too, and honestly I think more of my pain was for them rather than myself.  I worried we had ruined them for the rest of their lives.  I worried they would never get past this.  I worried they would be angry with me, and I would lose them forever.  I was in a state of so much pain and so much worry, I felt at times as if I were losing my mind.

Two months after my ex-husband moved out, my 16-tear old son was on an operating table having a brain tumor removed.  I have never been so turned upside down.  All of a sudden, the divorce seemed like small potatoes.

So, this useless, worthless feeling daughter got on her knees like never before. Never had I needed Jesus so much on a day to day basis.  Never had I needed Him to give me enough strength just to get out of bed, just to keep going.  I felt so worthless, and since I was such a failure, I felt like I deserved all of the misery brought onto our family.  The pain and anxiety were what I deserved for being such an embarrassment.  My son's cancer was further proof of our lives falling apart, and this Mom failed not just her family, but even worse, her son who now had a recurrence of cancer.  

I asked Jesus, do you see anything in me at all anymore?  I have failed a child with cancer and caused him even more pain.  I have failed You.  I can't see anything good anymore.   How could you ever love me?  I will never be the person I used to be when I was married.  How will I ever glorify you again?  Do you even think I'm worth this life anymore?  

To my absolute shock, He whispered to my heart that He was proud of me.

I didn't believe Him.  So, I asked him again.  Over and over.

The answer was always the same.  I am proud of you.  You are my daughter.  I don't love you because of your marital status.  I love you because you are mine. You can rely on my strength to get you through this. 

I couldn't fathom or understand a savior who was so gentle.  After being in such a tumultuous situation for so long with horrible things said to me, why would Jesus be so kind?  I was waiting for the condemnation, the correction, and the reminders of what I did wrong.  But, it never came.  

I remember when my son came out of his brain surgery, which lasted hours and hours.  As he was in recovery, before he even opened his eyes, he whispered through his dry lips, "Mom," and he raised his hand up.  Let me tell you, this Mama has never run across a room so fast to hold her baby's hand.  I laced my fingers through his, avoiding all of the IV lines, and he squeezed my hand.  

It was then, and only then, that I realized I didn't truly know the heart of my savior.  I didn't know Him like I thought I did.  All of my Bible studies hadn't prepared me for the absolute love and kindness He showed me in my worst moments.  The son I felt like I'd failed still wanted me, even when he didn't fully know where he was or what was happening.  

I couldn't hear God's encouragement enough.  I asked Him to tell me He loved me again and again, because I just couldn't get it to sink in.  Every time He whispered how much He loved me to my heart, I cried so hard that I didn't think I had any tears left.  I had never been loved like this in my entire life.  Never.  In the midst of so much strife, Jesus showed me what it felt like to be loved instead of condemned.  He showed me that my identity wasn't in my marriage, my ability to provide for my family, or even in my ability to be a good Mom.  My identity was that I was His daughter, a prized possession of the one true King.

The weeks after surgery were so challenging but God's words got me through it.  My son's pain was intense and I am still haunted by the night I was so exhausted from being up with him that I fell asleep and awoke to him crawling on the floor, vomiting, because I missed the window for giving him his pain medication.  I slept through the alarm that I had set and we were up for hours getting the pain under control again.

I wanted to fall apart when that happened.  The next day, my father announced to me that he was going to be sleeping at my house until my son was better.  At the time, I felt like a failure again because I couldn't even take care of my own kids.  But, once again, God remained faithful and at my worst moments, he sent my Dad to help shoulder the load.  God gave me the strength to keep going, to nurse my son back to health, and bit by bit, as he healed my son He also healed my heart.  

Over the next few years, He continued to whisper his same message to my heart.  I love you.  I am proud of you.  I will take care of you.  I love your children.  Your confidence can come from Me.  I will pick you up, I will restore you.

It has taken all of this time for me to have the strength to file paperwork, even though my ex-husband hasn't lived here for three years.  It has taken three years of Jesus putting me back together, of rebuilding me from the ground up, and teaching me His heart is a heart of love and devotion to his daughter.

I don't deserve such a wonderful savior.

But, I don't know what I would do without Him.  He pulled me out of the biggest wreck I could imagine.  My worst nightmares came true, and I lived to tell about it.  I am living proof that our God is bigger than our circumstances, bigger than any pit life throws us into.  He can pull us out of the worst situation, dust us off, and rebuild us!  He will heal us!  He makes all things new, and that includes our broken hearts that are shattered into a million pieces.

He is my redeemer, my deliverer.  I will never be able to praise His name enough, because I know what I was, and I know what He has done for me.  His love has transformed me. 

And to top it off, my son has been cancer free for nearly three years. 

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

We've begun pulling up the plants in the garden that are dying.  We've started bringing potted plants off of the porches, since most of them are done for the year.  We will attempt to keep the strawberry plants in containers alive over the winter, so we'll store them in the garage near the house, hoping there's enough heat in the garage to allow them to live another year.

It is time to bring the sewing projects out from storage.  My daughter and I like to work on our quilts throughout the winter, and we have several projects we didn't finish last year.  This weekend, we will put away the garden supplies and begin to pull out the quilting supplies.  Soon, our extra room will be covered with fabrics and sewing notions.

The hummingbirds are crowding the feeders while they build up enough strength to make their annual journey south.  The birds' nests around the property are empty and quiet.  Our dogs have even started to grow their heavier undercoats, preparing for what lies ahead.  In a few months, we'll have ice on the ground.  

Change is in the air, and it isn't just the weather.  I spent an evening this week reviewing the first page of my journal that I wrote on January 1st, and I was reminded of God's challenge to me this year.  The question is scrawled in pink ink.  Are you aligning your decisions with your beliefs?

If you want to know what to change in your life, all you have to do is take a few minutes to honestly answer that question.  No doubt I believe in God.  No doubt I love God.  But, do my decisions, behavior, and actions show it?  Do I live my life aligned to my beliefs?  I don't always love the answers to those questions.

No one lives life perfectly, I know that much.  But, it is a question I ponder as I watch the seasons change outside of my window.    I am a follower of Christ.  I am a daughter of the King.  What are the behaviors that don't reflect my true identity?  These are the things that need to change, much like the seasons.  Their time is coming to an end.

Today, I was in the city, walking into work from the parking garage.  I stopped on my way in when I saw a Monarch butterfly lying on the cement, slowly moving its wings.  I bent down to look at it, and when it didn't fly away, I reached my hand out to touch its wings.  As I touched its wings, it kept moving them, ever so slowly, while it laid on the ground.  Something was wrong.  The butterfly was dying.    

Did you know butterflies only live for about a month, and some only live for two weeks?  During their lifespan, they color the sky with their bright wings.  But, their vibrant wings only flutter for a short amount of time.  Then, as the season changes, they are gone.  Today, for some reason, it was incredibly sad to me to watch the vibrant butterfly dying on the gray concrete.  We may live longer than the butterfly, but our time on this earth is also very short.  I want my time to count, and I want to live as my authentic identity, a daughter of the King.  I want to be vibrant during my short lifetime, coloring the world around me.

A child of God is prepared to alter their way of life as a result of their beliefs.  As we grow spiritually, God brings more and more of our conduct under His standard.  Changing always starts with choosing.  Our choices shape our lives far more than our circumstances.  In fact, often God uses our circumstances to allow us to "practice" making good choices.  Will we choose temptation, or will we choose God?

When Satan suggests an idea into your mind, it is called temptation.  When God puts an idea into your mind, it is called inspiration.  You choose which you accept or which you reject.  One choice is in line with your beliefs, the other is in opposition.  One leads to life, vibrancy.  The other leads to bondage.

We will struggle with sin in this lifetime.  As human beings, sin is going to be present in our lives.  However, because of what Jesus has done for us, we no longer have to be slaves to sin.  God allows us to change anytime we want to, and as a result, we will see good results in our lives.  God will change our lives if we let Him!  The season of change can begin today, at this very moment.  

Our thoughts direct our lives.  Our struggles happen in our minds.  Temptation happens when we are conscious of it, and sometimes it also happens when we are unaware.  Satan cannot control your mind, but he can make suggestions.  But, remember, your mind is where God's spirit works within you.  So, we must choose to feed our minds with the best thoughts.  We need to monitor and limit our intake of unhealthy "trash" entering into our minds.  Is your mental diet of what you allow in your mind poisonous?

Proverbs 15:14 A wise person is hungry for truth, while a fool feeds on trash.

I don't want to be a trash monger.  

When we make a decision, we can ask ourselves a few questions to be sure we're living in line with our beliefs:

1.  Is this right?

2.  Is this good?

3.  Is this what's best for me? 

4.  What does God see in my situation?

As human beings, we are always in a state of change.  We can change for the better, or for the worse.  We can allow God to change us because we desire to be obedient to Him.  Or, we can allow the world to change us, and the end result will be struggle and strife.

Jesus is sitting at the fork in the road, pointing the way.  All we have to do is follow.